Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thrice Upon a Time: Inflationary Language with Victor Borge
What if the English language evolved to reflect inflation? Victor Borge provides the answer!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
An Extremely Dangerous Word
Armageddon. Apocalypse. Cataclysm. These are words used to describe the end of the world and while they invoke images of doomsday, the words themselves are harmless. You can say them as often, and whenever you want, and no devastation will occur.
There is, however, another word, a most unlikely word, if misused, could result in total annihilation. The word: tattarrattat. Originally coined by James Joyce, it is believed to be the longest palindrome in the English language. It is also an onomatopoeia. You may say the word once, but take the greatest care not to repeat it too many times.
Why?
An upcoming article in the prestigious scientific journal, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, reveals the terrifying findings of a recent study. The prominent physicist, Helvetica Edison, while conducting research at the Large Hadron Collider, happened upon a strange quirk involving palindromic onomatopoeias – words that are simultaneously palindromes and onomatopoeia. The discovery, he noted, “frightened me to the core of my being.” If you were to recite a word such as tattarrattat a thousand or more times in a row, the world would come to an end. Edison’s calculations demonstrated that a rip in the fabric of the space/time continuum was highly probable and the resulting black hole would swallow the earth.
“The odds of any one person being able to correctly pronounce tattarrattat a thousand times consecutively is extremely low, but it only has to happen once – and poof! – we’re toast.”
There is, however, another word, a most unlikely word, if misused, could result in total annihilation. The word: tattarrattat. Originally coined by James Joyce, it is believed to be the longest palindrome in the English language. It is also an onomatopoeia. You may say the word once, but take the greatest care not to repeat it too many times.
Why?
An upcoming article in the prestigious scientific journal, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, reveals the terrifying findings of a recent study. The prominent physicist, Helvetica Edison, while conducting research at the Large Hadron Collider, happened upon a strange quirk involving palindromic onomatopoeias – words that are simultaneously palindromes and onomatopoeia. The discovery, he noted, “frightened me to the core of my being.” If you were to recite a word such as tattarrattat a thousand or more times in a row, the world would come to an end. Edison’s calculations demonstrated that a rip in the fabric of the space/time continuum was highly probable and the resulting black hole would swallow the earth.
“The odds of any one person being able to correctly pronounce tattarrattat a thousand times consecutively is extremely low, but it only has to happen once – and poof! – we’re toast.”
Friday, June 18, 2010
Grammar Pet Peeves from Huff Post. Your, err, you're going to love this!
From HuffPost: Their readers chose the worst grammar, spelling, punctuation, and malapropism mistakes ever.
People who break the rules of grammar
will end up in the GRAMMAR SLAMMER!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Taming Your Characters
My favorite scene in Antoine Saint-Exupéry’s The Little Prince takes place when a fox asks to be tamed by the Little Prince.
The Prince asks, “What does that mean – ‘tame’?”
“It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It means to establish ties.”
“‘To establish ties’?”
The fox goes on to explain, “To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other…To you, I shall be unique in all the world.”
Maybe it’s all the coffee I’ve been drinking this morning, but the fox’s explanation seemed especially relevant to character development. For any character an author writes about, odds are, there are thousands and thousands of similar characters in thousands and thousands of other books. The question becomes: how does the author establish ties between the character and the reader, make the reader feel a need for the character and, above all, make that character unique in all the world?”
Ah, to succeed in creating ties to the reader and to tame my characters! Hmmm…how the heck am I going to do that? I’m not sure, but I suspect it will involve drinking a lot of coffee!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Tragic accident mars book diving contest
The first annual Dive Kiddo, Dive! contest, a book diving competition for young readers, took a tragic turn when an attempted triple twisting backflip from the dangling-participle-pike-position went horribly awry. Eleven-year old Dexter Clarr sustained neck injuries deemed “severely embarrassing but not life threatening.”
Dive Kiddo, Dive! was the brainchild of bestselling author James Patterson. His website, ReadKiddoRead.com was created to encourage young kids to become lifelong readers. “If we want our kids to dive into books, then why not a book diving contest?” explained Patterson. “I figured it could become as popular as the La Quebrada Cliff Divers of Acapulco.” The competition had proceeded smoothly until it was Dexter Clarr’s turn to compete. Suzie Kindel had just completed an artistic dive during which she used semaphores to spell out, “It was a dark and stormy night.”
“It was quite inspiring,” noted Patterson. “We were in the midst of nothing less than a classic sporting event. And then that Dexter kid…oi!”
As for Dexter, he will live despite the permanent crick in his neck left by the accident.
Dive Kiddo, Dive! was the brainchild of bestselling author James Patterson. His website, ReadKiddoRead.com was created to encourage young kids to become lifelong readers. “If we want our kids to dive into books, then why not a book diving contest?” explained Patterson. “I figured it could become as popular as the La Quebrada Cliff Divers of Acapulco.” The competition had proceeded smoothly until it was Dexter Clarr’s turn to compete. Suzie Kindel had just completed an artistic dive during which she used semaphores to spell out, “It was a dark and stormy night.”
“It was quite inspiring,” noted Patterson. “We were in the midst of nothing less than a classic sporting event. And then that Dexter kid…oi!”
As for Dexter, he will live despite the permanent crick in his neck left by the accident.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
An unexpected muse
Elaine, an aspiring author, stumbles
upon the most unlikely of muses
while on her way to Macy's.
Monday, May 10, 2010
The Duke of Assonance
I'm imagining the following as a skit -- perhaps on the Muppet Show: It is a historical drama entitled, The Duke of Assonance, featuring a handsome young duke named Sir Alexander Van der Lance. He rules over the duchy of Assonance.
The Duke, like all the characters in the skit, has a funny manner of speaking. In the skit, the duke is greatly upset with his royal chef. “Are you deaf, Chef Jeff?” rages the duke. “You mistook the duke’s taste in food and now I must rebuke the cook. Above all, serve no dish of fish for that is my wish. I cannot take the hake and fluke makes me puke. Cod fattens my bod, trout worsens my gout, eel makes me squeal, shad makes me a tad sad, bass makes me crass and smelt won’t make me svelte. As for anchovies – oh puhleeze! Remember to stab the crab, slam the clam, wallop the scallop, stick a hot poker in the croaker and smack the mackerel against the bell. After that, place the halibut in a catapult and toss it all the way to Lilliput. As for flounder, it makes me rounder but grouper won’t make me super. What’s more, mahi mahi is yucky, yucky, the taste of shark is off the mark, perch leaves me in the lurch and sardines look like little fiends with their beady little eyes. And please do not prod for I will not eat the scrod. Now go and flush the snapper down the crapper and never, ever serve tuna to the Big Kahuna.”
There is also Alliterative Allie, a bumbling young chambermaid who works in the Duke’s castle. “I tripped terribly while trying to traipse and tidy at the same time,” she says to explain how she fell and twisted her ankle. Throughout the skit she is seen hobbling around the castle on crutches.
Eventually, the Duke falls in love with the fetching young lady. “My chance for romance here in the duchy of Assonance!” he exclaims as he kneels down before Alliterative Allie who, of course, is on crutches. “Will you be my Duchess on Crutches?” he proposes.
“Marry? Me? Most certainly!” shrieks Allie with joy. “My, my, a marvelous marriage in the merry month of May. Magnificent, miraculous, momentous…”
(NOTE: This is what happens when an aspiring writer has too much time on his hands).
The Duke, like all the characters in the skit, has a funny manner of speaking. In the skit, the duke is greatly upset with his royal chef. “Are you deaf, Chef Jeff?” rages the duke. “You mistook the duke’s taste in food and now I must rebuke the cook. Above all, serve no dish of fish for that is my wish. I cannot take the hake and fluke makes me puke. Cod fattens my bod, trout worsens my gout, eel makes me squeal, shad makes me a tad sad, bass makes me crass and smelt won’t make me svelte. As for anchovies – oh puhleeze! Remember to stab the crab, slam the clam, wallop the scallop, stick a hot poker in the croaker and smack the mackerel against the bell. After that, place the halibut in a catapult and toss it all the way to Lilliput. As for flounder, it makes me rounder but grouper won’t make me super. What’s more, mahi mahi is yucky, yucky, the taste of shark is off the mark, perch leaves me in the lurch and sardines look like little fiends with their beady little eyes. And please do not prod for I will not eat the scrod. Now go and flush the snapper down the crapper and never, ever serve tuna to the Big Kahuna.”
There is also Alliterative Allie, a bumbling young chambermaid who works in the Duke’s castle. “I tripped terribly while trying to traipse and tidy at the same time,” she says to explain how she fell and twisted her ankle. Throughout the skit she is seen hobbling around the castle on crutches.
Eventually, the Duke falls in love with the fetching young lady. “My chance for romance here in the duchy of Assonance!” he exclaims as he kneels down before Alliterative Allie who, of course, is on crutches. “Will you be my Duchess on Crutches?” he proposes.
“Marry? Me? Most certainly!” shrieks Allie with joy. “My, my, a marvelous marriage in the merry month of May. Magnificent, miraculous, momentous…”
(NOTE: This is what happens when an aspiring writer has too much time on his hands).
Thursday, April 29, 2010
You’re never really done for...
From a quirky movie, The Legend of 1900, comes this quote: "You’re never really done for, as long as you’ve got a good story and someone to tell it to." Or as I see it: "You’re never really done for, as long as you’ve got a good story, a great query letter and one more agent left on your mailing list."
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
If Cujo and Toto traded places
What if Cujo, of Stephen King fame, and Toto, Dorothy’s companion, were to trade places? Let’s find out!
Cujo in Oz:
A murderous, rabid St. Bernard terrorizes Oz. The Wizard tells Dorothy, “forget the damn Witch of the West, kill the dog instead!” Dorothy cleverly lures Cujo to the Deadly Poppy Field where the canine’s fury is overcome by the sedative effects of the plants. The beast is toast, the munchkins are happy and Dorothy returns to Kansas only to realize what a crashing bore Aunt Em and Uncle Henry really are.
Toto in Castle Rock, Maine:
Toto has been a lot of places (such as Kansas and Oz) and seen a lot of unusual things (including flying monkeys and a walking, talking tin can), but something about the town of Castle Rock really creeps him out. Perhaps it is the 1958 red and white Plymouth Fury, with no driver behind the wheel, which is trying to run him over! Toto wakes to find he’s safe and sound in the SPCA shelter. It was all a bad dream!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Lolly, Lolly, Lolly - Get Your Discounted Adverbs Here!
Fans of the old Schoolhouse Rock! may remember this:
We are pleased to offer readers of this blog a special discount coupon:
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