An aspiring author confronts the literary demons of the world and sets off in search of an agent.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Tragic accident mars book diving contest

The first annual Dive Kiddo, Dive! contest, a book diving competition for young readers, took a tragic turn when an attempted triple twisting backflip from the dangling-participle-pike-position went horribly awry. Eleven-year old Dexter Clarr sustained neck injuries deemed “severely embarrassing but not life threatening.”

Dive Kiddo, Dive! was the brainchild of bestselling author James Patterson. His website, was created to encourage young kids to become lifelong readers. “If we want our kids to dive into books, then why not a book diving contest?” explained Patterson. “I figured it could become as popular as the La Quebrada Cliff Divers of Acapulco.” The competition had proceeded smoothly until it was Dexter Clarr’s turn to compete. Suzie Kindel had just completed an artistic dive during which she used semaphores to spell out, “It was a dark and stormy night.”
“It was quite inspiring,” noted Patterson. “We were in the midst of nothing less than a classic sporting event. And then that Dexter kid…oi!”

As for Dexter, he will live despite the permanent crick in his neck left by the accident.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

An unexpected muse

Elaine, an aspiring author, stumbles
upon the most unlikely of muses
while on her way to Macy's.


Monday, May 10, 2010

The Duke of Assonance

I'm imagining the following as a skit -- perhaps on the Muppet Show:  It is a historical drama entitled, The Duke of Assonance, featuring a handsome young duke named Sir Alexander Van der Lance. He rules over the duchy of Assonance.

The Duke, like all the characters in the skit, has a funny manner of speaking. In the skit, the duke is greatly upset with his royal chef. “Are you deaf, Chef Jeff?” rages the duke. “You mistook the duke’s taste in food and now I must rebuke the cook. Above all, serve no dish of fish for that is my wish. I cannot take the hake and fluke makes me puke. Cod fattens my bod, trout worsens my gout, eel makes me squeal, shad makes me a tad sad, bass makes me crass and smelt won’t make me svelte. As for anchovies – oh puhleeze! Remember to stab the crab, slam the clam, wallop the scallop, stick a hot poker in the croaker and smack the mackerel against the bell. After that, place the halibut in a catapult and toss it all the way to Lilliput. As for flounder, it makes me rounder but grouper won’t make me super. What’s more, mahi mahi is yucky, yucky, the taste of shark is off the mark, perch leaves me in the lurch and sardines look like little fiends with their beady little eyes. And please do not prod for I will not eat the scrod. Now go and flush the snapper down the crapper and never, ever serve tuna to the Big Kahuna.”

There is also Alliterative Allie, a bumbling young chambermaid who works in the Duke’s castle.  “I tripped terribly while trying to traipse and tidy at the same time,” she says to explain how she fell and twisted her ankle. Throughout the skit she is seen hobbling around the castle on crutches.
Eventually, the Duke falls in love with the fetching young lady. “My chance for romance here in the duchy of Assonance!” he exclaims as he kneels down before Alliterative Allie who, of course, is on crutches. “Will you be my Duchess on Crutches?” he proposes.

“Marry? Me? Most certainly!” shrieks Allie with joy. “My, my, a marvelous marriage in the merry month of May.  Magnificent, miraculous, momentous…”

(NOTE: This is what happens when an aspiring writer has too much time on his hands).