An aspiring author confronts the literary demons of the world and sets off in search of an agent.

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Duke of Assonance

I'm imagining the following as a skit -- perhaps on the Muppet Show:  It is a historical drama entitled, The Duke of Assonance, featuring a handsome young duke named Sir Alexander Van der Lance. He rules over the duchy of Assonance.

The Duke, like all the characters in the skit, has a funny manner of speaking. In the skit, the duke is greatly upset with his royal chef. “Are you deaf, Chef Jeff?” rages the duke. “You mistook the duke’s taste in food and now I must rebuke the cook. Above all, serve no dish of fish for that is my wish. I cannot take the hake and fluke makes me puke. Cod fattens my bod, trout worsens my gout, eel makes me squeal, shad makes me a tad sad, bass makes me crass and smelt won’t make me svelte. As for anchovies – oh puhleeze! Remember to stab the crab, slam the clam, wallop the scallop, stick a hot poker in the croaker and smack the mackerel against the bell. After that, place the halibut in a catapult and toss it all the way to Lilliput. As for flounder, it makes me rounder but grouper won’t make me super. What’s more, mahi mahi is yucky, yucky, the taste of shark is off the mark, perch leaves me in the lurch and sardines look like little fiends with their beady little eyes. And please do not prod for I will not eat the scrod. Now go and flush the snapper down the crapper and never, ever serve tuna to the Big Kahuna.”

There is also Alliterative Allie, a bumbling young chambermaid who works in the Duke’s castle.  “I tripped terribly while trying to traipse and tidy at the same time,” she says to explain how she fell and twisted her ankle. Throughout the skit she is seen hobbling around the castle on crutches.
Eventually, the Duke falls in love with the fetching young lady. “My chance for romance here in the duchy of Assonance!” he exclaims as he kneels down before Alliterative Allie who, of course, is on crutches. “Will you be my Duchess on Crutches?” he proposes.

“Marry? Me? Most certainly!” shrieks Allie with joy. “My, my, a marvelous marriage in the merry month of May.  Magnificent, miraculous, momentous…”

(NOTE: This is what happens when an aspiring writer has too much time on his hands).

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