An aspiring author confronts the literary demons of the world and sets off in search of an agent.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Bulwer-Lytton inspired query letter

Edward George Bulwer-Lytton's (in)famous opening line, "It was a dark and stormy night..." has inspired much ridicule and the ever popular Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest . That got me to thinking: what would a Bulwer-Lytton inspired query letter look like?  Below is an excerpt from such a misbegotten missive.

Dear Literary Agent:

What would happen if Frodo Baggins was inspired by the Eat This Not That series of books? You would have my debut novel, LORD OF THE RING DINGS, an ambitious fusion of the Fantasy-Adventure genre with a Healthy Diet book!

It all begins when the Evil Sourbun bakes up a host of evil delights to fatten his enemies to the point where they are incapable of defending themselves. Now, Middle Girth stands helpless before the lumbering armies of Morebun as they sing:  

    Three Cupcakes for the Fairy Pigs in their sty,
    Seven Twinkies for the Couch-Potatoes lazy to the bone, 
    Nine Devil Dogs for Junkfood Junkies doomed to die, 
    One Ring Ding for the Beefy Lord on his beefy throne 
    In the Land of Lardor where tasty cakes lie.    

Now, I've got to get back to the serious business of crafting a scintillatingly elegant query letter...but first, I'm off to Krispy Creme for a quick doughnut!


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